Breakdown

James has gone back to Moomba to work for Bardrill for the last time. Megan met us at Port Wakefield which was nice of her, but I really don’t want to see her because she’s pregnant. I told James that I didn’t want to stay for long because I wasn’t very hungry and I wanted to get back on the road to make the most of the last of the daylight cause I hate driving at night. Both were true, but he saw right through me and knew it was also because I didn’t want to see her. So we had a bit of a chat and I had a bit of a breakdown but it was what I needed because I’ve been holding in all those feelings for a little while now and I just really needed James’s support which I got. By the time we got to Port Wakefield, I was still a bit teary but soon calmed down and by the time Megan got there I was fine. I put my act on like always and was nice and smiled and asked her how she was going (how was uni, had she had any morning sickness etc) and I was proud of myself afterwards because I was able to be strong and not immature or childish.

I was disappointed in myself today though. I emailed Melissa and bitched about how much Megan ate and how much weight she’ll probably put on. I think I was reacting to what happened at lunch time – there was a 2^nd hand sale at the church so Sheryn and I went for a look and she of course oohed and ahhed over the baby stuff. I can be civil to Megan, but I just can’t get excited and really feel happy in my heart.

On another topic, I had lunch with Cath yesterday. It felt awkward for me cause we haven’t seen each other in a year and so much has happened and I just really don’t know what to talk about. I was thinking though that Cath will be home when James and I hopefully have a baby next year so that will be nice. I hope that we’re able to spend more time together and catch up and become close friends properly again. I think a lot will hinge on James – he’s so... arrogant I think is the word. And stereotypical in the way that he thinks all people from England are the same and what he tries to say as jokes aren’t really funny or good and just make things awkward. I know he means well, but he is just a bit narrow minded sometimes. I hope that once we meet and get to know Tim that James will be nice and not a jerk and it will all just be good.